Writing to honour
Writing has become a therapeutic journey for me, a path I never thought I’d tread. The more I immerse myself in the act of putting pen to paper, the smoother the words flow, and the process becomes surprisingly comforting.
Today is one of those days when the urge to document my thoughts is strong—a day etched in the calendar not just for its numerical significance but for the indelible mark it left on my heart.
7th February 2020
It’s been four years since I’ve lost my best friend, my husband, and the loving father of my son. The enormity of the loss is beyond words, and while I could fill volumes with the intricacies of my experience, condensing these emotions into a brief reflection proves to be a formidable task.
This day serves as a poignant reminder shared by many, a day when the weight of memories lingers in the air, forever imprinted in our hearts and minds.
Brief summary of us
In 2008, during my study years, in the hustle and bustle of Canary Wharf, I crossed paths with Trevor while working in a bar. I was on the first week of my job that I encountered him, and I can confidently say it was a love at first sight.
In a playful jest, I casually remarked to my friend that I would find my boyfriend here, my prediction fuelled by the sea of attractive men in suits that surrounded us. To my surprise and delight, it turns out my playful intuition was right on the mark.
At the beginning of our relationship, Trevor once sent me a cryptic text that initially puzzled me: “Stick with me kid, we’ll go places.” Little did I know, those words would resonate deeply as we embarked on a journey that spanned the globe, creating countless incredible memories. While living those moments, the value of those memories was apparent, but it wasn’t until the devastating loss of Trevor that their true worth became immeasurable.
I emphasise that because memories are there for a reason and I am so grateful to have so many of them. You do not remember sitting on sofa watching Netflix together, but what you do remember are the journeys together, the laughs and the experiences. Make many of them! I relive them every day and share them with my son.
I can truly say, our life together was full of happiness and success; every desire fulfilled.
Trevor was truly an extraordinary man, a sentiment echoed by every friend fortunate enough to know him. His brilliance was unmatched, coupled with an unparalleled selflessness and a spirit for adventure that was truly inspiring. Trevor had this remarkable ability to blend humour with his unique quirks, making him both funny and wonderfully weird in the most endearing way.
Not a trace of malice dwelled within him; his heart was pure, and his generosity knew no bounds. The pain of his loss is heightened by the realisation that he gave far more than he ever took, leaving a void that seems insurmountable.
We married in 2015, in a beautiful place enveloped by the presence of our dearest family and friends. Our wedding day became a timeless memory, a celebration of love that marked the beginning of a beautiful chapter in our shared story.
Fast forward to 2019, a week before welcoming our son Luciano into the world, Trevor received the harrowing diagnosis of stage 4 cancer, forever altering the course of our lives.
The shock of the news and the hope
The unfolding of those events felt surreal, as if caught in the midst of an unfathomable storm.
The initial month following Trevor’s diagnosis cast a heavy shadow on both of us. Luciano, born with complications, endured a month-long stay in the hospital, while Trevor navigated his own challenges in another hospital, recovering from two surgeries. A month later, my two boys returned home, marking the beginning of a poignant year.
Trevor on sick leave and myself on maternity leave, we seized every moment, embracing a life whilst travelling and making more memories, amidst his chemotherapy sessions and medical appointments. We clung to a vast hope, treating this tumultuous period as a fleeting chapter on our way back to the lives we had envisioned.
Yet, destiny had a different script.
On the 7th of February 2020, Trevor left us, marking the end of one narrative and the commencement of another. This new chapter unfolds with a tapestry woven from the most achingly deep emotions, intertwined with gratitude and a heightened understanding of the profound essence of loss and life.
My grief journey
Three weeks later, as the world plunged into its first Covid lockdown, I found myself navigating the depths of grief alone, accompanied only by my 11-month-old son. Drawn from an inexplicable well of strength, perhaps fuelled by my profound appreciation for life and the gift of my son, I resolved never to surrender.
Determined to transform this challenging chapter into my most resilient, I embarked on a quest to connect with everything around me, delving into the vast universe in search of Trevor’s soul and the energies that bind us all.
My curiosity evolved into a powerful tool, igniting a passion for exploring the realms of the spirit world, contemplating the eternal journey of our souls. Months unfolded as I dedicated myself to self-education, immersing in research, and embracing lengthy meditations in the quiet evenings while my son slept.
The solitary hours of lockdown became a transformative path, leading me to rediscover myself, find solace in solitude, and construct a new meaning for my reality. Six months later, my heart was not only open but brimming with gratitude, allowing me to sense and see more than I ever thought possible.
Over the course of those first six months, my experiences have evolved into a unique narrative that I may explore in a separate blog. For now, I’ll let this chapter stand as it is.
This snippet encapsulates a fragment of my grief journey, marked by a heart opening that persists. Grief, I’ve come to realise, is a continuous journey; it doesn’t vanish, but rather, it’s about learning to accept and embrace its presence.
The pain of loss resides within me like a fluttering butterfly, a daily reminder entwined with the enduring love for life and an appreciation for everything I am and will become. Through this journey, I’ve learned to take pride in my resilience, shedding fears and anxieties as insignificant matters in the grand tapestry of my experiences.
My guide to grief
My guide to grief is a profoundly personal journey, one that is entirely unique and may not resonate with everyone, for our paths are as individual as our grief. The loss of someone so young, becoming a widow at 34, amplifies the preciousness of life while instilling an appreciation for the ability to savour each day.
- Allow yourself to grieve: Never hide the pain away. Embrace the pain, let it flow in tears and laughter as often as it comes
- Accept the Unwavering Presence of Grief: Understand that grief doesn’t vanish but becomes lighter with time
- Use Grief as a Fuel: Channel the energy of grief into enriching your life with beauty and meaningful experiences
- No Guilt for Happiness: Don’t feel guilty for finding joy; our loved ones wish to see us happy
- Turn Pain into Curiosity: Explore the meaning of loss in your life, finding purpose and strange reasons behind it
- Believe in the Continuing Life of Souls: Souls live on happy; believe it to fuel your journey with appreciation for life
- Reframe Pain as Energy: See pain as a ball of energy meant to be redirected toward the goodness in your life
- Avoid the Victim Mentality: Refrain from seeing yourself as a victim; the energy you emit attracts the same
- Focus on Positive Energy: Attract positive energy through uplifting experiences for yourself and those around you
- Become Your Own Inspiration: Inspire yourself to live fully and fearlessly
- Lose Fears, Live Fully: Shed fears that hinder you and live life to the fullest, defining it on your terms
- Open Your Heart and Be Kind: Embrace kindness and open your heart to everyone
- Fall in Love with Your Pain: Find gratitude in pain, letting it shape your appreciation for life
- Cultivate Self-Awareness: Understand your thoughts; growth and change happen with self-awareness
The list is endless, much like the love for life and those around us. Let your grief journey encompass everything—pain, tears, laughter—without imposing a time stamp on it. Live it fully today, for that’s all we have. Embrace your loved ones, express your love, cherish friends and parents.
Lastly, forgive. Forgiveness, a powerful act of the heart, offers freedom. Forgive yourself and forgive for the loss endured, paving the way for healing and growth.
Meaningful act
Trevor’s ashes find their resting place in a profoundly significant location, one that holds the essence of countless days spent snowboarding – the breathtaking expanse of Chamonix.
Two years ago, amidst the towering peaks and crisp mountain air, his ashes were scattered in a poignant ceremony. I vividly recall the particles drifting with the wind, dispersing across the vast landscape as far as the eye could see. This act, so deeply meaningful, beautifully symbolises the expansive nature of Trevor’s spirit – large, touching hearts, and leaving an indelible mark on all the lives he encountered.
Returning to Chamonix holds a special resonance; it’s a pilgrimage that allows us to feel his presence anew, particularly on his cherished snowboard, reliving moments that forever tie us to the memory of his remarkable soul.
Conclusion
As I conclude this blog, wiping away the tears that mark this day and the lingering ache of loss, a bittersweet smile graces my face.
In this moment, I look up with gratitude, thanking life for the precious opportunity to continue this journey not just for myself but also for Trevor and our beloved son, Luciano.
Amidst the poignant emotions, I find strength in the acknowledgment that life, with all its complexities, is a gift worth cherishing.
Thank you for affording me this chance to share my story and reflect on the resilience that emerges from the depths of grief.
“Death is nothing to fear, it is only another dimension” – W.Dyer
Grief is a matter of heart and soul. Love never dies and spirit knows no loss. Remember, a broken heart is an open heart. Therefore, your thoughts must attract only the good and the beautiful.
In the memory of my dear husband.
With love,
Dajana’s soul x
4 Comments
Annelyse
I am lost for words at the beauty of how you chose to honour Trevor’s memory. You are a powerhouse of a woman Dajana and I am certain that he is as proud as we are in seeing you now. Lots of love to you and yours x
Paul Dornan
Some very beautiful, generous, loving writing there Dajana, not just to Trevor and your friendship and love but to us and yourself too. You’ve been through so much in the last few years and yet you’re so strong and kind and full of life. Grief is with us all in so many directions and intensities and your way of acknowledging, embracing and harnessing it for good is a wonder to behold. I’m very happy you’re my big, bold, funny, smart friend.
Paul
Joy Poole
I am SO glad we met. This is truly a gift to read. Thank you for sharing it with the world, D.
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